Bad Guy vs. Good Guy

by Michael Deery

Derren dashed around the corner of the starship, Photon-Laser blazing as he shot down more and more of Lord Xarnikar’s troops. Entering the starship had been easy. Once he had stowed away in a transport headed to Xarnikan’s Starship, so he simply took out one of the men on the small craft and stole his uniform. No one had suspected the Derren was in the suit, as the helmet concealed his face entirely. Then, to get into Lord Xarnikar’s personal quarters, he crawled through a comfortable air duct. Now he was fighting his away past- ahem, through, Lord Xarnikar’s personal guards. Soon, the battle was over. Derren shed the suit, and ran up to Lord Xarnikar’s door. He kicked it in, revealing a large chamber. In the middle of the room was a table, and Lord Xarnikar was sitting at it and poring over a small pamphlet. His Fearsome Facemask of Ultimate Doom, which he stole from the WokaWok tribe, was lying on the table next to him. His Esteemed Cloak of Super-Shielding, which he had stolen from the planet Krakonark, appeared to be turned off. Derren, confused, stepped forward. Nonetheless, his instincts took over as he uttered a phrase sure to cover this situation. “Prepare to meet your fate, Xarnikan!”

The Lord didn’t even look up. “Hmm? Oh yes, you. Just a moment, I’m almost done.”

Derren lowered his blaster and looked around, shuffling his feet. It didn’t seem right to not let him finish his book.

After a few moments of waiting, Lord Xarnikan closed the pamphlet and turned to Derren. “Alright. I’ve got some bad news.”

Derren scratched his head. “What?”

Lord Xarnikan sighed. “Apparently I’ve been doing this whole ‘Evil Overlord’ thing all wrong!” He waved the pamphlet entitled 1001 Things I’d Never Do If I Was an Evil Overlord.

“You see,” Xarnikan continued, flipping to a page, “I designed my troopers helmets so someone could easily take their place, I had huge air ducts that someone could crawl through, I even killed your father to make you come after me! AND, worst of all, I didn’t kill you when you were a young and uncouth lad!”

Derren looked surprised. “I thought the water fountains in the air ducts were a nice touch.”

Lord Xarnikan nodded, smiling. “Thank you. However, I have come to a conclusion.”

Derren bit his lip. What evil plan could the Lord be up to now?

Xarnikan stood up. “I have realized that the only way to win in this world is to be a good guy. I quit.”

Derren stepped back a pace. “Wait, what?”

Xarnikan shrugged. “You heard me. I want to be a good guy.”

Derren shook his head. This must be a nightmare. “Why?”

Xarnikan rolled his eyes disdainfully. “Oh come on. Think about it. What is it that always happens? The good guy hates the bad guy and the feeling is mutual. The good guy’s ‘Friend’ who just happens to be a girl, gets captured ‘cause the bad guy wants to marry her.”

He started to move across the room, pantomiming the actions he was describing.

“Then the good guy comes and kills the bad guy and gets the girl, the treasure, the fame, and gets to live! Nope, being a bad guy is very overrated.”

Derren sighed and jammed his gun back in its holster. “Well, what do we do now? I came here for a fight! Plus, I want my damsel in distress.”

Xarnikan glared at him. “You, sir, are very rude. Here I am, pouring my heart out to you, and you just blow it off like it’s no big deal.” He clasped his hands together and flipped up his heel behind him in a gesture that was obviously supposed to be feminine. “Ooooh, help me Derren, you’re my only hope!”

Derren glared right back at Xarnikan. “But this isn’t how it’s supposed to go!”

All silliness left Xarnikan’s face and he strode forward to look Derren in the eye.

“Supposed to be? SUPPOSED TO BE??? Is that all it is to you; just some fairy tale? Were you so sure that you’d succeed?”

Derren shuffled his feet and smiled sheepishly. “Well, yeah. I mean, the bad guy never wins. But it doesn’t matter now, you threw it out the window by becoming a good guy.”

Xarnikan nodded, smiling. “Ah yes. The bad guy never wins unless he gets really close to the good guy while the good guy has his gun holstered.”

Derren looked at his gun at his belt and the foot of space between them.

He smiled weakly. “Heh heh. Yeah. That’s pretty funny, ol’ pal.”

Xarnikan smiled and pulled a Photon-Laser pistol out of his robe and shot Derren.

He smiled as he blew the lingering particles away from the barrel.

“That’s right, Derren. The bad guy never wins.”

Visit the Library Home Page                                                       Read the latest Library news in The Circulator