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Honest School Day Overview Humor, by Patrick Wood
Period 1: Algebra, a course intended for the kids a year above me. No wonder I don’t understand anything! That is until my dad explains it to me, then I might remember the methods but more likely I’ll forget it by the next day. I hate it! I worry about my grade every marking period because only five percent of it stuck with me. Still I get high 80s.
Period 2: Art. It seems easy. You get points for just doing your work. Yet each year it’s frustrating. I’m not an artist but I thought I’d do okay in glass cutting! This was what was going through my head last art class:
“Alright, I’ll just cut a triangle to keep it simple.”
“ERRRGH! CUT! Am I using the wrong side of this thing?”
“Okay, now I tap it.”
*tap*
“A rectangle? How did that happen?”
Needless to say I do almost as well in art as in algebra.
Period 3: History. Oh yes, much better. In the long run though, how important is it? When in my life am I going to need to know how many laws President Johnson convinced Congress to pass? I do well in this class but I doubt I’m learning much. Man has never learned from mistakes made in history, what are the chances I will?
Period 4: Study Hall. Idea good, placement bad. I can’t do algebra because I don’t understand it, and I rarely get any homework in history. Thus, I am left with nothing to do. Thankfully I’ve got the most uncaring teacher in the world. Once I got up and played hacky sack while singing in the middle of the period. No response. It seems there is nothing one could do to get in trouble in his class other than offering him heroin or smacking him across the face. Because of this the class has gradually become wilder. Now sex jokes and running about the room has become common.
Period 5: Lunch and recess. Lunch is great because I’m permitted to wolf down homemade sandwiches. I don’t dare eat the cafeteria food after seeing others struggle with it. I sit quietly while kids curse, fling food, and fight around me. They might sit down next to me and say something stupid like “I can’t believe I got a 12 in history!” or, “My presentation only went 30 seconds!” or the infamous, “See that girl over there? She’s ugly.”
It’s almost as wild as my study hall. As you can imagine, I can’t wait to get away from these idiots. At recess I run outside to a fenced in area with a bench and a basketball hoop for 50 kids to share. The faculty calls it “the playground,” but we call it “The Cage.”
Period 6: Language Arts. This class is okay. We have a very odd teacher and I would like to share a typical moment in the class with you.
*Class stares at Mr. S, expecting class to start*
*Mr. S waits for awhile then stands up slowly and stares back. He holds his glare for half a minute.*
*Mr. S’s eyes shift and he turns and walks towards the window. Once there he turns and resumes staring at us. The class remains silent. My eyebrows reposition. *
*Mr. S sticks his hand out the window casually, his eyes still upon us. This goes on for about a minute.*
*Finally Mr. S says, “I sense a fire drill today.”*
Period 7: Biology. This class would be very boring if it weren’t for my best friend sitting next to me. He provides constant entertainment, emitting a high pitched “Ewwww!” at every slightly disturbing picture. My fondest memory was when he made fun of the TV show COPS. “In real life,” declared my friend Toby, “they go like this.”
Toby gently set his head sideways on the desk. “But on COPS they do this.”
Toby brought his head down rapidly, unable to avoid contact with the desk. “Uggh.” He moaned after a loud “DONK.” The class burst out laughing. He had popped a lens out of his glasses.
In one of his presentations, Toby claimed the rectum: “Held the body’s crap.” He was corrected with one word from our Bio teacher. “Feces,” she said
“Feces, sorry,” said Toby, who then continued his presentation.
Period 8: I love gym for one reason; dodge ball. Wait, let me rephrase that. I love hitting kids’ heads. I know that sounds harsh but these arrogant, vulgar kids deserve it. Most of them probably never studied or exercised. Serves them right to be beaned by a nerd.
Period 9: French. This would be the dullest class if it weren’t for a girl named Kate. Why just the other day she blurted “I need some lotion!” in the middle of class.
“Why do you need lotion, Kate?” I asked.
“Because my finger’s dry!” was the reply.
Kate then sprang up and ran behind the teacher’s desk. “Do you think Mrs. LaPointe would mind if I used some of her lotion?” she asked the substitute.
“Do it and get it over with,” said the sub.
Kate squirted a generous amount of lotion on her finger and sat down into her seat, only to bound back to the lotion for more. “Why did you go twice?’ someone asked.
“Well, it’s really dry,” said Kate without cracking a smile.
She went to her seat and resumed her work, as did I. I looked up from my paper a few minutes later to see her swinging her entire arm in large Pete Townsend like circles. “It dries faster that way,” her friend said.
Sadly this is an honors French class.
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