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Tales from Galapalapagos by Liz Burke
Kylie wanted to rule the world. So she took over. As a result, everyone was forced to become her dark minions, whom she christened “Kylians.” The people wouldn’t have minded this so much if she hadn’t threatened their race with the prospect of eternal slavery and made them all wear very ugly red uniforms. The bad fashion sense combined with the complete lack of freedom made everyone want to revolt (and throw up.) But Kylie had outlawed both of these, so the people devised a plan to get around the rules. They decided to go to a place where there were no rules except those that dealt with blowtorching, and that mattered to none of them but the welders, who expressed their bitter disappointment by throwing themselves off four very high cliffs. However, since they were in outer space, there wasn’t any gravity and none of the welders got hurt, much to their dismay. The Kylians flew to the Plutonian Galaxy, where they met the Galapalapagosian alien Vlershmeck (approximately spelled, because Galapalapagosi don't use lettering, they use subliminal messages and telepathy.) Now, he wasn’t the kind of guy that you’d want to stake the fate of your world on – this was blatantly obvious – but none of them had ever been very observant, nor did they care about logic. At any rate, Vlershmeck was a formidable, but rather stupid alien who never did anything without something in return. He agreed to help them revolt on the condition that they help him destroy Galapalapagos' neighboring planet, Aquatopia, where millions of pretty mermaid girls and boys lived. Of course, they were evil merpeople bent on universal destruction and ultimate power, but I suppose to teenage Earth people this probably wouldn't have mattered. The rest went down in history… The Earth clan decided not to destroy Aquatopia because they thought the merpeople were pretty, not realizing just how many problems it would cause them. You see, it was physically impossible for them to visit Galapalapagos or Aquatopia more than once in their lives, due to the fact that it took approximately 861,942,001 (eight-hundred-sixty-one million, nine-hundred-forty-two thousand and one) years to reach the planet, and by this time they would be dead. In reality, as they spoke with Vlershmeck, they were already dead, but because they were on Galapalapagos, where laws of nature and reason do not apply, they had not yet actually died and decayed. The second they returned to the Milky Way Galaxy, all bets would be off and they would be free to spontaneously combust into a million firey pieces. Or, for the less adventurous, they might simply die. You may be wondering at this point why it was so important that they realize this. It was because if they returned to Earth they would never get to see the merpeople again (since they would have died) and therefore it was extremely stupid of them to pass up Vlershmeck's offer to eliminate Kylie as a supreme ruler. She wasn't dead even in a billion years because of the otherworldly powers she got when she took over Earth. But of course the Earth people didn’t realize any of this and were too busy staring at the hot merpeople. Now, I suppose you might think that this all would fade into unimportance because the merpeople were evil and bent on universal destruction, so weren’t they going to kill Kylie if Vlershmeck didn’t? The answer was at first “no,” for a rather simple and overlooked reason. Merpeople = Gills. Earth = A whole bunch of people who live on land. The two aren’t compatible. However, the scientifically un-advanced merpeople had recently figured out a loophole in this theory, which was the discovery (eureka!) that Earth was roughly 75-80% water. Their immediate plans for destruction had been, prior to the arrival of Earth-spawn, the ultimate end and enslavement of currently free Galapalapagos. But, since the Earth-spawn wouldn’t stop staring at them, they called a meeting of their Marxist government (founded by the one and only Karl Marx) to redraft their military plans. Aquatopia’s leader, the insanely evil Amanda (taken from the alien word “arismaornda,” meaning “certain death” and rather lost in translation) ruled that Aquatopia should make the far-off Earth its new mission and reclaim the territory they lost when Atlantis was destroyed by sea-turtles. (I told you they were un-advanced.) Obviously, Vlershmeck
wasn’t having any of that. He hated Aquatopia and any plan it came up with (even
those that benefited him, like the removal of the pesky Earth-spawn.) He
immediately summoned his chief military commander, the world famous pacifist,
Gandhi. When Gandhi’s plans turned out to be peaceful surrender to Amanda and
her forces, Vlershmeck knew it was time for the clan’s secret weapon, his evil
daughter Liz (taken from the alien word “lendizer,” meaning “destroyer of
planets” and once again lost in translation), who was a long-time friend of
Amanda’s. His plan seemed perfect – peace between Aquatopia and Galapalapagos
for the first time in three trillion years. Not only that, but under his rule!
He would be a hero. What Vlershmeck didn’t know, however, was that Liz and
Amanda had been secretly plotting against the whole Plutonian Galaxy for years,
and though they had never actually carried out their missions, they had a highly
sophisticated scheme devised using Amanda’s technical knowledge (which was
great, unlike her scientific knowledge) and Liz’s access to large bazookas
(which could be found in huge quantities if you were the daughter of a nation’s
ruler.) In fact, both aliens despised their planets and their people and had
secret ambitions to inhabit the (approximately spelled) Plffft sector of the
Bleahhh Galaxy, where a small race of indigenous blob people resided. Their
larger goal was eventual rule of this, too, but it was unimportant at the time. So Kylie got to rule the world… but there were no people living there.
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